Thursday, March 28, 2013

When everything keeps spinning....

Any of you who know me probably know that after my children, my husband is the center of my world. Throughout 10 years together I always knew I was beyond lucky to find my better half, someone to share every part of my life with. Someone that makes me want to be a better person every single day.

11 days after my last blog post (January 1st, 2012 approx 1 hour after midnight) I found my husband had been hiding an addiction to prescription pain medication for almost two years. I can honestly say I did not understand what this meant at all at the time, and after 15 months of a whirlwind fall to hell, I'm still not sure I fully understand.

Since the pills my husband was taking covered an undiagnosed mental illness, once he did get clean the situation turned from really bad to a complete nightmare. At this point in time I have no idea how is; he is not allowed to contact me or my children as ordered by the courts.

A while back I removed most of my online presence and deleted my social networking accounts in an effort to protect myself and my children from an out of control situation. I may choose to talk about that more in the future, but for now I'm not ready to comment. I completely forgot about this blog, and now I am grateful for that. I am no longer afraid. I am ready to stand up and speak after a trip down a road I never knew could exist in my life, a road I wouldn't send my worst enemy down.
It was on this road however I have found so many gifts. Gifts of who I am, what is truly important me, and what I am capable of. And I know I am still traveling this road as I am working harder everyday to stabilize things for myself and most of all for my amazing, beautiful, sweet children.

Due to the overwhelming stress and other factors, my memory (which was not all that great to begin with) has taken quite a hit. I am very grateful for the journals I have kept. It was only a couple of weeks ago I finally found the courage to turn back and read past entries. After reading until the sun came up the next morning, I was able to see so clearly not only how my life has changed significantly, but also how I have changed and grown as a person.

This blog was started with the intent of discussing rocks and etsy. Cutting rocks was a huge part of my life and my marriage, and something I love. I have tried many times to enjoy this hobby without my husband, but at this time it just hurts too much. So I suppose this blog may take a drastic change just as my life has.

To anyone out there facing addictions, violence, and/or mental illness in your family life, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It may seem as if you are alone, it may seem as if no one could possibly understand, and it may seem as if the only thing to do is to hide, but that is not true. There are many others that have been or still are where you are, and I personally refuse to hide anymore. I'm ready to sort the pieces left here and take anything I can from this life altering horror story. I still wake up each morning wanting to be a better person, but it's no longer because of my husband, now it is because of myself.

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